I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
