Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
