I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
