did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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