I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize