we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
