Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
