im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
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