my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
