I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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