My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
