This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Randomize
