i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I skipped work to stalk him.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
