I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize