Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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