I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize
