Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
