Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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