Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
50% drunk capacity currently
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Randomize
