I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
