Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
