Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
