The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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