After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
