You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
