He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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