Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
