After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize