That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
