You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
