I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
