he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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