I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
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