If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
