just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
