my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
