I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
