I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Less talking, more tequila
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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