Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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