Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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