You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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