Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
