Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
