No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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