I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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