I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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