I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
