I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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