I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize