They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
