god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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