as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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