my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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