Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
