I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
