I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize