Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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