Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Acid is not a monday night drug
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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