bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
