You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
