i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
