An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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