Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
